You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
