Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
