Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
