A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
