At least make sure they are 18
Why
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
