dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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