If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
