What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize