I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
