the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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