sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Jerry, you need to find god
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
