Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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