Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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