Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
