I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
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So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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