there's paper in my vomit.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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