i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
