do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
