Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
