I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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