she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
