come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
