I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
