I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
