did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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