i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just gift wrapped bread.
we're making bets on your personal life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
