I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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