mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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