omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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