How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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