you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
