By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
