you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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