i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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