3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
