i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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