Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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