Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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