My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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