Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
