I accidentally burped into my bong.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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