I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
