i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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