she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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