He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
