I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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