It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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