I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
