I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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