My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
