Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
