there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
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so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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