her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
