Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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