Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
