woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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