If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
