alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
